i feel angry and selfish for feeling angry.

i feel stretched so thin that i am rubbing thru on both sides, like silly putty, i am sad and worried and i feel like i should not be feeling this way because i did not lose anyone, i know that he is somewhere outside of washington, chainsmoking on a train in dirty underwear, coming closer to me, soon he will be walking towards me, a shape next to me, skin i can smell and not just a tired voice on the phone that sounds 10 years older than when he left.

but i do feel scared and lonely and anxious, jittery and like a zombie at the same time. i am hearing the news say they are raiding an amtrack train from boston because there are men with knives on it and my supervisor is asking me what wedding dress i think looks best.

i went into yummy garden last night and there were clouds of smoke, gin and tonics sloshing, people jabbering about revenge and everyone looks fake, like a rubber mask.