all the flags and people teary eyed singing battle hymns don't make me feel comforted, it makes me feel scared.

a memo went out at work that we should wear red white and blue today. i wore black. women were passing out little ribbon pins they were up til 3am hot glue gunning and i don't want any of this. i don't want revenge and more death and flags flying from trucks.

i feel like i woke up on a different planet.

so much caffeine that my jaw is gritting and the cat shit on the floor because he thinks you're never coming back. one more night of waking up in bathroom folding towels in my sleep, opening cupboards and closet doors looking for you, one more morning of waking up on your side of the bed. i tell myself stories to make the time pass, that you are eating savory hot snacks and remembering things about the passengers to tell me later, that you are drawing me pictures on scratchy napkins, that you saw a wolf standing by itself,

that you almost here.