how i justify it, rationalize it to myself is that this may be the last time i ever see him/have to see him.

that if something happens to him, i will feel better having made this one effort. i don't have to go into it consumed with fear, maybe just sort of halfway devoured. i can be in control of the situation, my terms, my timeline. these are the things i tell myself.

i will talk myself thru it by promising myself that afterwards i will go to the david lynch lecture, i will be walking away and he will be behind me, it will be over.

and when it is over, and i am driving away from the motel, i will feel stronger than this.