i went there at lunch with the purpose of setting straight, explanations, erasing the awkward parts. he wasn't there. i felt stupid and tripped on the way out.

----------------------------------------

1991 or maybe 92 i lived in the cabin in the woods, one room full of older brother ghosts. we chopped wood in the dark, made lentil soup with english muffins and watched movies under the wool blankets to stay warm. i laughed so hard i peed in the bed. the shower that was outside, the rain and the wet of things. working two jobs and nightgowns over jeans. i couldn't fall asleep at night without listening to the cocteau twins playing over and over on a tinny stereo, slowing down as the batteries died. my corner of the room used to be the garage door. it still opened and i woke up with my foot sticking outside, like an amputation.