the good luck of the red coat is wearing off. things do not go as planned, abort abort. i am standing at the counter and not making good eye contact and how do you go about this when they present you with something they went in the rain to buy you--offers of my money are refused and i really just want to eat my bowl of soup, read the "i saw u's" and have my hands do anything other than typing for 45 minutes. i don't want to talk these words, it seems horrible and conceited and i can't force them out.

maybe it is easier to do this when talk of declawing cats comes up and a mean look crosses my face. i don't like obviousness. i don't like trying too hard, "lines", and bravado. i like aching and wishing and wanting, not spread out for taking.

white kneesocks, carefully pinned hair clips, all these props so i can gather some kind of resolve. it's easier just to disappear.