what was cute or even in a way flattering is now spoiled and skin-crawly. yesterday at exactly 4pm when i am headed up to 5th he is coming towards me across the sidewalk from his work. on his day off he says. i start to just wave and head on, determined, but he crosses and walks with me. i say i'm going to the eye doctor, i'm in a hurry actually. he is going to buy a bad comic book, and i don't even want to look at him when i talk, but i do. i feel like i'm naked, like he can see right thru my turtleneck and see that my ribs are moving fast, because i don't know what to say, i don't want to be mean, i just want him away.

today at lunch, coming back from paying for the glasses, he is there again, at precisely noon, walking under an umbrella towards me, i see the stripes of the coat and his face looking towards me but i turn down the other street.

i feel like i should just blurt something out, a mean sentence designed to remove me from his thoughts or invitations. what's stopping me is somehow it feels conceited and wrong, mean.

if i was the boy with the sweaty lip and glasses, would i want a girl to crush me with a few careless words while men wait in line to be rung up and listen to every word, muttered sentences explaining no no and no?